Alone

Since May 15, I have not been alone. And actually for a very long time I have not been alone. And most would say ... "who would want to be alone at a time like this". But others understand.

When we left my sisters last Saturday, Terry was nervous to tell me that the weekend he had planned with a few friends to golf in Truro was just next weekend. He volunteered, right away, to cancel it. Although I was touched by his dedication and concern for me.... I was thrilled to even think that I would have a weekend alone! He questioned me several times during the week.... what are you going to do this weekend... I think he worried that I might curl up in a ball and "fetal" the whole weekend. The nice thing is.... if that was what I wanted to do.... then, I could. I didn't have to tell anyone... or explain....



Here it is.... Sunday.... my weekend alone. I wasn't exactly alone at all.... but the only ones living here... won't give away my secrets... Mollie is a pretty good communicator... but not that good. She won't be able to tell a soul that I ate chips at midnight last night while watching a movie. She won't tell a soul that I had a nap yesterday afternoon (hence the "up past midnight" gig).

I truly can't remember ever spending a weekend alone, except the summer of 1992. I am sure I have.. because that would be just weird... to be my age and someone who loves solitude...and have never had a weekend alone. But I just can't remember. Or maybe I don't remember because I didn't enjoy it as much as this weekend.


I reserved this weekend to just sit, and reflect... cry if I wanted...eat if I wanted...be creative or just laze. You know how much I love my Saturdays.... and I truly loved my Saturday yesterday. I talked to my two sister in laws on phone and MSN, talked to my mother in law on MSN, talked to one daughter on Facebook & MSN. I talked to my brother for almost an hour on his cellphone about everything that had happened over the past two weeks. I think he is missing having someone to talk about dad with... I spent Friday night with my friend Debbie... whom I haven't really sat down with in weeks... just to talk, catch up... be normal. I did cry... a lot. I talked to the air... or my dad... who knows. I told him all the things I really wanted to tell him when he was sick in the hospital. But if I had told him then, he would have known he was dying, and while I know he knew... why keep bringing it back to him. I guess that's the way our family is.... why rub your nose in it, when we can keep things light and stress free.. But that's ok, because I did get to tell me the things I wanted to... he just wasn't awake. I organized some long overdue scrap booking stuff... I had a lovely supper and evening with my friend Robin. We traded garden gifts and shared a Steak and Lobster dinner at the mess. I had the steak which they served me raw. Weird, eh. Then in a split second I figured it out.... we had to go on the deck and cook it ourselves... duh. That was fun too, because I don't usually do the BBQ in our house, so I was totally impatient and clumsy with the big BBQ tools. There were several "men" there to rescue me, and put the sauce on when needed, etc... so I just stood and gabbed with strangers while they did all the work. In the end, I think I ended up with someone elses steak off the BBQ but that's ok. We were all like family in the end!

Robin and I sat with very old friends of mine, Noreen and Mike (they were involved in the lottery mess) and we traded stories, favorite books and the evening just flew by. I also had a good look around, since we are planning a wedding in that room next summer, and made contact with Carol the sweet little Irish bartender who knows everything. She hooked me up with Paul, the mess coordinator, and Paul and I have a date to talk wedding on June 20. I also hooked up with Lindsay R... who will plan a finger food menu for me.... since he is in the food services business!

Sunday morning routine... for years..... poached eggs and toast with my dad. On Friday, I couldn't fathom how this Sunday morning would go.... routine.... scary when broken. But I had a good weekend.... cried it all out.... no longer on the end.... and Sunday morning is warm with memories... and I am filled with thankfulness that I had the luxury of poached eggs and toast for as long as I did with my dad. What is there to be sad about.... but just the same... I had a toasted peanut butter and Jam and BACON sandwich......Just to be different. And it wasn't as good as I thought it would be... but I had to try it... right!

Sunday... my blogging day..... well, for today anyway. Notice that I have changed my layout and I have added a new element. The blogs I like to visit now have an update feature and you can look and see when or if they have updated instead of running though the maze of blogs going from one to the other to see. Of course, that is always fun.. .but when they haven't blogged in a week (Chantal....) that daily disappointment is not there... its just a date. So.... gals, I am watching you via my blog.....and everyone will know that you HAVEN'T blogged in weeks...
I have added two other bloggers who I have read for a long time but haven't shared. Knitnut is a wonderfully opinionated writer from Ottawa, who had a wonderful cat who looks like my cat, and she had good and through provoking opinions on politics and city happenings. She keeps me in stitches and has made me aware of important issues like the homeless people of Ottawa (and other cities) and has given me a different way to look at the lots of issues. Jo(e)'s page is filled with family stories, wonderful pictures, and writings from a world of creative people with great attitudes. Her fear of snakes and water (but only in her dreams ) is more common than she knows and I am drawn to her characteristic use of "descriptive titles" for people and places instead of using their names...

I am making spaghetti sauce and soup today.... and after cleaning out my fridge yesterday (yes, even that was fun) I have to go to the farm market to get a few supplies before that can happen.
Terry will be home at supper, and that will end my weekend alone. But that's ok, because, even though it was nice to accountable to no one, I missed Terry and thought about him a lot and our new life together. A new adventure, which I am looking forward to.