Friday, February 5, 2010

Self Absorbed

Well, its truly been weeks since I have visited my blog. I have totally been focusing on me, myself and I (in that order).
My 2010 proclamation was all about me and my health. You know, time to take control of my actions, my exercise, eating habits.... me... me... me.

In the later part of 2009 I was taking care of myself using the "ostrich" method. I am sure you are all aware of this method... "the head buried in the sand" method where you don't step on the scale, you don't read labels, you don't look at the price, and in my case, you don't test your blood sugars. If I don't see it, it doesn't see me...
January comes along.. and my ostrich method turns into "If it tastes good, spit it out" method.
I begin reading labels, reading books, logging carbs, testing blood, and stepping on the scales. The Wii became our start to the day... Now you would think that all this care and attention to my health would be a good thing... but what I didn't consider was once I started looking, I would see how bad things really were. Sugars were out of control... higher than I have ever seen. Sugar addiction, strong and powerful and the scales were bursting into numbers they have never seen before...

Then the spit and vinegar in my heart to take care of myself hit the brick wall of self pity.. and it festered. Soon came the whining and feeling sorry for myself. Denial and excuses...... cheap & unreliable scales, old and low tech blood test strips. No time to exercise, my life is sooo busy (not). Then came "finger pointing" and "blaming others". Terry's fault, because he eats chips and chocolate, drinks pop... never gains weight... so I must be gaining for him.!!!!

My fun mornings of Wii Age and Balance tests, turned into begrudging walks to the basement to "weigh" in, and do the balance test that determines your "fit" weight. I really do love the Wii, I just hate the weigh ins. I watched myself gain weight over the month of January, instead of lose. Anger caused blackouts where I would find myself standing in the kitchen with a pink tinfoil wrapper in my hand and the faint taste of chocolate in my mouth, on several occasions. Little bowls of chips and other snacks would appear in my lap, while watching TV or reading a book. The whole time wondering why I was gaining weight... these things really don't make a difference... geesh!

Sleepless nights came more frequently, and I am almost positive, that while I blame these on "menopause", the true reason is the worry I do over blood sugar levels, scale numbers and whether I have diabetes or not.

January has ended... I weigh the same at the end of January as I did at the beginning. I don't enjoy January, and historically, I have a terrible time during January's dark days. I am glad its over and with February here, there is a relief of some sort. My health is no better, but I have settled into a routine now... more like a resign... I can't eat junk, I can't eat at night, or in between meals. I must exercise daily and I don't need "dessert" after each meal. Simple as that!

My sugars are settling down to normal highs and I am moving slowly towards acceptance. I am diabetic, even if its not "diagnosed" by a doctor. Family history + 5 years of pre-diabetic denial stages are now starting to take its tole. When I made the pact with myself in January to move towards a healthier life... this was all part of it. January was rougher on my head than it was on my body... Not having a doctor was my crutch and my excuse. February is the month I change that. I will have a doctor by the end of February... now that my blood tests are sitting on a nurses test, with a red tag on it highlighting those lovely sugar levels.


Anonymous said...

Wow Donna! This is quite an epiphany! Although I do not have the same health concerns that you have, I know how you is so easy to make excuses for why we don't take the proper care of ourselves. I envy your self-discipline and your honesty!
This journey of life is not for the faint of heart...your realizations and actions will surely help you to live a long and healthy life...well worth the sacrifices you have to make

cpm said...

I am the Queen of excuses and procrastination so I can totally relate! Although I think you look fabulous I understand your need to get "healthy" now for a long, active life later! You can do it!
as my Dad would say "Be good to YOU"